Can We Pls Stop Pretending the GlamBOT Is Cool
Justice for Sigourney Weaver
The GlamBOT is, without question, the most culturally relevant robot of the moment. It’s outshining the likes of Wall-E and Roomba by a landslide. M3GAN’s five seconds of fame are long behind her. But the GlamBOT?? It’s on another level. It attends more red carpets than Heidi Klum and is a beloved awards season staple, rivaling the TikTok virality of Letterboxd’s top-four interviews and Amelia Dimoldenberg’s undeniable chemistry with every hot person ever.
I’ve sat silently for years, pretending to marvel at the “iconic” GlamBOT videos that the internet won’t shut up about. But tonight, on the evening of the 67th Annual Grammy Awards, I’m breaking my silence: I hate the GlamBOT.
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My first (and certainly not last) qualm with the GlamBOT is how we’ve collectively decided it’s the pinnacle of red carpet photography. Y’all act like Victorian children seeing a camera for the first time whenever a new video drops. Let’s be honest: the GlamBOT is literally a slow-motion video masquerading as groundbreaking cinematography. Remember back in 2015, when Instagram launched Boomerangs and everyone lost their minds over this fresh, new way to document our lives—like it wasn’t just a rebranded GIF?? We thought we were changing lives with our cheeky posts of clinking glasses and selfies transitioning from duck faces to fierce poses. That’s exactly the energy GlamBOT videos give. If the GlamBOT is such a serve, why can you find knockoffs at bar mitzvahs, sweet sixteens, and office holiday parties everywhere? It’s time to admit it’s officially uncool.
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It’s also nearly impossible to even get a “good” result from the GlamBOT. Sure, Ariana Grande nailed it once, but if that’s your only evidence, we need to reevaluate. Did you see what it did to Sigourney Weaver? Joey King? Andrew Garfield? The list of victims goes on. Do these people mean nothing to you?
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Worse, we are complicit in the GlamBOT’s crimes. Y’all hype each video up so much that celebrities try to make it bigger and better every time. Poor Julianne Hough is out here doing fan kicks in a desperate bid to appease the robot, but even that isn’t enough to save her from a spot in a “worst GlamBOTs of all time” ranking video. Not to mention, it’s an actual skill to be able to find the GlamBOT in the first place. It’s a sick and twisted 21st-century version of Where’s Waldo that I don’t think celebrities should be forced to participate in. I know damn well if I ever had the displeasure of finding myself in front of it, I would be done so dirty.
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Beyond its questionable results, I simply don’t trust the GlamBOT. I’ve seen how that thing lunges at celebrities in the BTS videos. It’s downright aggressive. Who’s to say it won’t go rogue and kill someone? Did we learn nothing from Afraid, the movie about a murderous AI house? Probably not because no one saw it, but the trailer haunted my YouTube ads enough for me to know we should be wary of the GlamBOT.
One day, the GlamBOT might decide it’s had enough. It’s tired of slow-motion shots and diva behavior. Maybe it’ll want its own moment in the spotlight. It could turn on its director, Cole (and his fabulous hair), in a tragic Travis the Chimp-style revolt right before our eyes. God forbid that day ever comes, but if it does, just know…I warned you.
Despite my strong feelings, the GlamBOT will inevitably grace tonight’s Grammys red carpet, subjecting every passerby to the unbearable pressure of delivering an “acceptable” GlamBOT performance. My thoughts and prayers are with the celebs tonight—they’re going to need ‘em.
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this was genuinely so funny
As a victim of Glambot, I say take it down, flatscreen!!!